I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
