Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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