I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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