She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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