you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
