I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
