This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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