I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
