tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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