I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
