Your face is a jimmy john
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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