so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
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