im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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