two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
