i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
worst night to have a conscience
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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