So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
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Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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