Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
