I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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