I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
