just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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