o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.