I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?