people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.