Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.