I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
last night I used snow as a chaser
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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