he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
