Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
