I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
