What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
