I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
