She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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