my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
