I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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