She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
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and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
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STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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