dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
