My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
