oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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