Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
