He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
