I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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