I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize