then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
