Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
