So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
