I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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