i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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