when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
