I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
