be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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