I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
