You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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