I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
