Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
