If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
