Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
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do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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