I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
