How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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