If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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