hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
