does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
