If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i wish my penis had a tongue
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
